Last Minute Thoughts
by Dark Kitty Prince
Summary: Draco Malfoy angst right before the end of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince


Shadows lit the ghostly hall

The moon shone in solemn silence

Tonight was the night; I knew it

Tonight my destiny and that of my family would be decided.

I completed the third round and the door appeared

I stepped into the Room of Requirement, anxiously awaiting the dangerous task ahead

A grave thought tore at my mind, almost filling me with regret

I could die…if I failed, that is…

However, if I succeeded, Dumbledore would be gone forever

And a part of me didn't want that

It was a small part but through the days it had been growing larger

The reality of the task had reached me weeks prior to this moment

That was when I began sneaking off to the bathrooms and crying

That was when I'd somehow befriended a mud blood ghost

That was when Snape tried to make me divulge my plans to him

That was when I nearly gave up…

But here I am tonight, ready to prove them wrong-Snape, the Dark Lord, everyone

This was supposed to be the vengeance set upon my father, but I would not let it be so

I would destroy the white-haired stick; I would kill him without a thought

But what if I allowed room for thoughts; a moments hesitation could cost me my life

Was it worth it? Was destroying a life to save three others fair? I didn't know

I only knew that it must be done. If I didn't my family would die; I would die

I couldn't fail; I just couldn't, yet somehow I knew I would because-

I was just a boy, sixteen and way in over my head, stripped from all reason and from my previous self

I was lost

I was confused

Death or Success lay ahead

Yet each carried my destruction

Whether a death eater or a dead man

My path had already been chosen for me

It had been dressed up in pretty greens to hide its true colours

It had seemed an honour then, at least that's how it was described to me

I think I always knew what I was getting myself into

I just wouldn't let myself believe it

I erased all those thoughts from my mind

I hid them as I tried to think of how to complete my dreadful task

Now after two failed attempts, I have the perfect plan

The only way I could fail is if _he_ interferes

It seems my potions master is after the glory

But he doesn't believe in me anyway, if he hadn't made the unbreakable vow…

If I died-If I failed-so would he…and so would my mother and father

What was the point? I either succeeded or lost everything, including my life

But I wasn't a bad person; my heart wasn't that cold

My cruelty had only been a fun hobby in my youth; it had never been genuine

Smirking was fun. Cursing people was fun. Taunting Potter was incredibly fun!

Yet those things no longer felt fun; this terrible misery doused all feelings of happiness

The fire that burned in my smirks and taunts had been extinguished-

Extinguished by the Dark Lord himself, by the reality of evil itself

All emotions felt numb

The world had shrunken considerably

Friendship was a myth

I was alone

Draco Malfoy, the once proud, handsome, Slytherin pureblood-

Me-I was gone. I was only a shadow, struggling to survive in this cold cruel world,

Made even crueller by the Dark Lord, my father's master

Why had my father become a death eater? Had he been met with the same glamorous description that I had?

Were we at all alike? Did he also regret? Had Azkaban taught him anything?

Why had he encouraged my study in the dark arts? Why had he glamorized the Dark Lord's powers?

Why had he allowed this to take place? Why had he joined the dark side in the first place?

Did he realize that the Dark Lord was no friend of his, that the Dark Lord had no friends?

Didn't all the death eaters realize that? They were being fed to the Dark Lord without question

Were they all genuinely evil? Did they enjoy their work-or regret it as I did? Did they struggle?

Did they cry? Are there any good ones among them? Is there anyone in the world who can relate to me?

Why on earth have all these questions come up now?

The task is too near…

All I need is my hand of glory and instant blackness powder…

I have to do this…I can't doubt now…I can't fail…I can't let them die…I can't let myself die…

I can't do this!

But I must

For I am gone

My life is no longer my own

No one cares what I feel…

No one.

I am alone and that is the simple fact. I, Draco Malfoy, am alone. With no real friends. I've only got my family, and if I fail, they too will be gone…and I will gone. Wiped from the face of this earth.

I mustn't turn back. I've sacrificed my life…I don't care anymore…Who cares if the Dark Lord takes over? Fighting is useless. It will only result in death. Death for all. What was the Dark Lord's plan anyway?

To rule the world alone? Or to torture muggles just for the fun of it? How can a man be so heartless?

…how can he not love?

Mudblood.

Half-blood.

Pureblood.

None of that matters to me anymore. All I see is good and evil. And I realize that I am on the wrong side.

But…no ones cares. Except me. And that still leaves me alone.

Inside I knew I secretly hoped Potter would succeed against the Dark Lord, even though I hated Potter as well. But Potter was for the good side. The side I secretly longed to be a part of.

Occlumency.

The only reason I can think these thoughts without being found out.

If only I could…

It was too late for that now; he'd track me down; he'd find me; I couldn't run-and anyway, he had my parents under his fingertips. And the moment was nearly upon me.

The dark cabinet lay directly in front of me

I closed my eyes and threw all of my thoughts away

It wasn't my life anymore…

And while the Dark Lord still reigned, it would never be…


End file.
